Jokes

The miserly millionaire called a family conference. 'I' placing a box of money in the attic", he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it's my time to go".

The family respected his wishes. After his death the millionaire's wife looked in the attic. The box was still there, "The fool!",she said, "I told him he should have put it in the basement".

Once upon a time, a mean old mountainer fell ill and died. The widow and other family dressed the body and placed it in the coffin. As the deceased was being carried from the house, one pallbearer stumbled, causing the coffin to crash into the gatepost. The knock somehow revived the old mountainer, who sat up and yelled at everyone in sight.

The man lived for over a year and as mean as ever. Then he fell ill and died again. Once more the body was put in the coffin and the pallbearers lifted their burden. As they shuffled by, the long-suffering widow lifted her head and said, "Watch out for that gatepost!".

"When I die", said the rich old man bravely to his young wife, "I wnat you to get married agian".

"Don't talk that way", she said.

"I want you to give him all my clothes so he can look great when he takes you out", he said.

"Don't go on like this", she cried. 'It's impossible".

"Why impossible", he asked.

"Because", she explained", youwear 14 shirt, whereas he would need at least a 17".

A man was dragged to a concert by his wife. A half hour later it began, he felt an elbow nudge him in his side. "What an outrage", his wife murmured. "The person in front of us is asleep!".

"You woke me up to tell me that?".

Wife to husband: "Charlie, I am warning you about your hours. The night before last, you came home yesterday. Last night, you came home today. This evening if you come home tomorrow, I wont be here."

Husband: "I.ve found this great job. Good salary, free health and insurance, paid holidays and coffee breaks".

Wife: "That's wonderful, dear!".

Husband: "Iknew you'd be pleased. You start on Monday".

Edison had experimanted for 13 months on the incandescent lamp, trying to find the right combination to make it glow. When he finally succeeded at three O'clock in the morning, he ran out of the barn, across to the house, upstairs to his wife's bedroom, and shouted, 'Darling, look!".

Mrs. Edison woke up, turned over and said, "For goodness' sake, tom, turn out that light and come to bed !".

After issuing driver's licences for 20 years, a clerk was tranferred to the marraige-licence bureau. Almost at once, he was in trouble. Young couples weer leaving his desk red-faced and angry. His supervisor asked what was wrong.

"I can't seem to help it", muttered the dismayed clerk. "I just can't get out of the habit of asking whether they want the licence for business or for pleasure ! ".

Two men were talking. Said the first, I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act-I".

"Why was that?", asked the second.

"Well the programme said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait".

When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortue to another woman. Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.

"Sorry, lady ", said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your oders. I can;t change it now".

"Very well", the widow said grimly. "Just add 'Until We Meet Again' ".

A married couple, both avid golfers, were discussing the future one noght. "Darling", the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"

"I suppose so - it's paid for".

"How about our car?", continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?".

"I suppose so - it's paid for".

"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use the too?".

"Heck, no", the husband blurted out. "She's left handed".

First man at the bar: "My wife doesn't appreciate me. Does your?"

Second man at the bar: "I wouldn't know. I 've never heard her mention your name".

"I just walked out on my wife", a man said to his pal.

"How did she take it?", his friend asked.

"It's funny", the fellow replied. "You live with someone for years but you never really know them. I had no idea she could sing and turn cart-wheels at the same time".

Two men, who'd not seen each other for years, met on the street.

"Tell me now", said one, "did you ever marry?"

"Ah, yes", the other replied. "My wife an angel".

"You are a lucky man", said the first." Mine's still with me".

She came into the room with her scalp bristling in pink plastic curtlers. He said,"What happened to your head ?".

She said, "I set it".

He said, " What time does it go off?"

An elderly man, married almost 45 years, returned home one afternoon to find his wife packing. "What are you doing?", he asked.

"I can't stand it any more!", she cried, "All the years of fighting, arguing - I'm leaving ".

He sttod there for a minute, bewildered, watching her struggle through the door with her packed suitcases. He then ran into the bedroom and snatched a suitcase from the self.

"Wait a minute", he cried. "I can't stand it any more either. I'm going with you"

Bidding for various objects was proceeding furiously, when the auctioneer announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing Rs.10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of Rs.2,000".

There was a moment's silent, and then from the back of the room the cry: "Two thousand five hundred".

For years the sideshow's strong man had awed crowds by squeezing a lemon dry, then offering Rs.1,800 to anybody who could get another out of it. Nobody paid much attention when a wispy little man in one audience dared to challenge him.

The strong man first squeezed the lemon until it was little more that a pulp, then handed it to the little man-who not only squeezed out another drop but got almost a saucerful of juice. "Amazing", the strong man conceded. "What kind of work do you do?".

"I'm an Income tax Inspector", the little man replied.

US senator Abraham Ribicoff tells about attending a dinner in honor of Arizona's famous citizen John Fulton, then 80years old. Speaker after speaker got up and paid tribute to Fulton as the state's greatest banker, rancher, real-estate man and manufacturer. All of them mentioned how Fulton had come to Phoenix 60 years earlier, barefoot, in tattered clothes, with nothing but a haversack on his back.

Ribicoff couldn't get that image out of his mind. So after the ceremonies, he went up to Fulton and asked, "Sir, what did you have in the haversack on your back ?".

Fulton drew deeply on his cigar, blew some smoke in Ribicoff's face and replied, "Two million dollars in cash".

Jones had his marvelous horse. :each morning", he would tell his friends at his club, "that horse goes to the dairy and gets fresh milk for my breakfast. Then he goes to the news-stand for my paper. When I'm ready for work. the horse takes me to the office. And when its time to leave he's waiting outside !"

Smith was much impressed by all this, and made an offer of $100 for the horse. Jones declined, saying the figure was too low. Smith then offered $1000 and Jones grabbed it.

For a week Jones didn't show up at the club. When he finally returned, he heard Smith complaining about bad the horse was, how he did nothing but eat and sleep. That's when Jones said, "You know, if you keep talking about the horse like that, you'll never sell him".

At the meat counter of a department store, a mother took turns lifting her two small children so they could watch the butcher cutting and packing the fresh meat. When one of the children seemed nervous the mother whispered, "This is nothing to be frightened of. The frightening part comes when they give us the bill."

At a school reunion, the guest were shocked to see old Zeke, the recipient of the "Least Likely to Succeed Award", drive up in a chauffeured Roll-Royce, escorted by two gorgeous film starlets. As Zeke walked around shaking hands and passing out bottles of champagne , one classmate asked how he had managed to amass such a wealth. Zeke smiled and asked, "Well, fellows, I found a product that I could make for a dollar. It sells extremely well for four dollar. What amazes me is how that three cent adds up !"

A woman went into a department store to buy some perfume. She explained to the salesperson that she wanted to arouse the interest of a young man she had recently met, and she thought a new perfume might help. "But nothing over $20 an ounce", she added.

"I want it to be a fair fight".

A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him, "I'll take you case", the lawyer said, "if you'll assure me of two things: that you're innocent, and that you'll pay me Rs.1,600".

The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for Rs.400 and a nice set of golf clubs?".

An attorneys wife was complaining about the shabby state of their home. The furniture was old, the curtains were falling apart and the carpet was a wreck. "Look, sweetheart", said her husband, "I got a divorce case today. As soon as I break up their home, we'll start fixing up ours

US legislators usually refer to each other as the honourable senator from..." and "my distinguished opponent" when they are debating on the floor. But occasionally they allow their emotions to overcome their politeness. n one occasion, a legislator interrupted a speech by a fellow legislator and called him a jackass. The speaker immediately ruled the remark unparliamentary and demanded an apology.

"I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker", said the offender, "but I insist that the gentleman is out of order".

"How am I out of order?", angrily shouted the other.

"A veterinarian could probably tell you", answered the first legislator.

The trial was over. Circumstantial evidence had convicted Jenkins. Now the prosecutor argued that this was Jenkins's "third strike", which meant life prison. But as his lawyer looked the record of previous convictions, he discovered that Jenkins had actually been behind bars at the time this latest crime was committed.

"Why, didn't you tell me about this before?", exclaimed the lawyer.

"Because", whispered Jenkins, "I was afraid it might prejudice the jury against me".

Judge to defendant: "Have you anything to offer the court before sentence is passed to you?".

Defendant: "No, Your Honour. My lawyer took my last dollar".

The mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.

Afterwards, the lawyer approached the juror, "You had me worried ! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off".

"I was worried too!", answered the juror. "The others all wanted to quit him !".

On a sign outside a lawyer's office, "Where there's a will, there's a way, there's a law, Where there's a law, there's a loophole; Where there's a loophole, there's me, WALK IN"

Listening to world heavy-weight boxing champion Joe Frazier sing, an onlooker scoffed, "Who told him he could sing?".

Actress Mitzi Gaynor's answer: "Who's going to tell him he can't?"

One Friday afternoon, a handsome young man and a beautiful young woman walked into a jewellery store. "We'd like to look at some of your diamond necklaces", he said. The jeweller brought out his stock and after careful consideration the young man selected a magnificent necklace. "We're going out of town for the weekend", he said to the jeweller, "so I'll be back to pick it up on Monday. That will give you time to check my credit". The couple then left the store.

The jeweller made the credit check and discovered that the young man had only $12 to his name. So on Monday morning when the prospective customer returned to the store, the owner started to explain the situation. "Oh, that's all right", said the young fellow. "I didn't expect to get the necklace. I just wanted to thank you for helping me have a really wonderful week-end".

In the days before smoking sections on planes, a jet passenger started to lit a cigar when the stewardess informed him that cigar smoking was not allowed, unless it was all right with other passengers in the immediate area.

"Do you object to his smoking?", she asked the woman seated next to the man.

"I absolutely detest cigars", was the stony reply.

The stewardess then smoke to a young man near the front of the cabin and came back to report that he didn't mind sitting next to a cigar smoker.

As the smoker walked forward, his former seatmate turned to the stewardess and confided, "I've been married to that man for 30 years-and still I can't stand his awful cigars!".

Just before giving a lavish party at his estate, a tycoon had his swimming-pool filled with poisonous snakes. He called the guest together and announced, "To anyone brave enough to swim across this pool, I will give the choice of a thousand hectares of my oil fields, 10000 head of cattle or my daughters hand in marriage".

No sooner were his words spoken than a young man plunged in, swam across the pool and climbed out-unscathed but breathless.

"Congratulations !",the tycoon greeted him. "Do you want my oil fields ?".

"No !", gasped the guest.

"The 10,000 head of cattle ?".

"No !", the young man shouted.

"Well, how about my daughter's-"

"No!"

"You must want something", said the puzzled host.

"I just want the name of the guy who pushed me in!".

Driving past the grounds of a university, a professor saw a student running hard. Snarling at his heels were three huge dogs. Intent on rescue, the professor braked his Volkswagen to a halt and threw open the door. "Get in !",he commanded. "Get in !".

"Say, you're the greatest", the bearded youth gasped. "Most people won't offer me a lift when they have three dogs".

An old woman was sitting with her cat, polishing a dusty lamp she'd found in the attic, when a genie pooped out and offered her three wishes. Thinking quickly, she said," I'd like to be rich. I'd like to be young and beautiful again. And I'd like my cat to turn into an handsome prince".

There was a puff of smoke, and she found herself young and glamorous, surrounded by riches, the cat had disappeared, and a gorgeous prince stood beside her, holding out his arms. She melted into his embrace.

"Now", he whispered softly in her ear, "aren't you sorry you had me neutered?".

A genetic scientist produced a mouse the size of a lion. Shortly after this event, the doctor was seen walking towards his laboratory-never to be seen or heard again. One nagging question still haunts police investigators on the case: "Is there a doctor in the mouse?".

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. " For instance", he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 500 kilometers".

"What on earth would one whale say to another 500 kilometer away?", asked an astounded member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure", answered the expert, " but it sounds something like, "Can you hear me?".

A car driving down a country road sputtered to a complete stop near a field with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed a cow looking at him. "I believe its your radiator", said the cow.

The startled man ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car !", he shouted.

"Did the cow have big black spots on it ?", the farmer asked.

"Yes it did", the man replied.

"Well, that's Ethel", said the farmer. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars".

The hunter took careful aim at a huge bear. About to pull the trigger, he heard the soothing, beguiling voice of his prey: "Isn't it better to talk than to shoot ? What do you want? Let's negotiate".

Cradling his weapon, the hunter said, "I want a fur coat".

"Good", said the bear. "That's negotiable. I only want a full stomach. Lets compromise".

So the two sat down and negotiated. After a time, the bear walked away alone. He had his stomach full, and the hunter had his fur coat.

A United Nations volunteer teacher in a school at Punakha, Bhutan was having a problem with mice in her house, and she wrote to her sister in Ireland to send her a mousetrap. When the mousetrap arrived, the Customs Declaration Form read, "Mousetrap: educational aid-to teach the mice a lesson".

A lady bought her cat to the veterinarian. The doctor had her hold the animal on the examining table as he touched and gently squeezed it. He then walked slowly around the table, all the while looking back and forth, back and forth. When he was done, he handed over some medication and presented the owner with the bill.

"What", she cried. "One hundred and fifty rupees for two pills?".

"Not just for pills", said the vet. "I gave her a cat scan too".

Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. "Who's there ?", shouted a guard. The first prisoner replied with convincing imitation of a cat's meow. Reassured, the guard went back to his rounds. But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated. "Who's there ?".

"The other cat", answered the prisoner.

A man agreed to buy a fine-looking horse from a farmer. But before he made his first payment, the man went back to complain.

"What's the problem ?", asked the farmer.

"Well, he can't hold his head up", said the new owner.

"Oh, that's just pride", explained the farmer. "Once he's paid for, he'll be fine".

You know, of course, why the gazelle won in a race with the cheetah. It's because cheetahs never win

And then there was the duck that walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of lip balm. When asked to pay, the duck replied. Just put it on my bill".

One day, two cats were sitting by a tennis court, watching the ball bounce back and forth over the net.

"Hey", exclaimed the first cat, "I didn't know that you liked to watch tennis".

"Actually, I don't", responded the other cat. "The only reason I'm remotely interested is because my father's in the racket".

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo ?

Holes all over Australia.

A united Nations volunteer teacher in our school at Punakha, Bhutan, was having having a problem with mice in her house, and she wrote to her sister in Ireland to send her a mousetrap. When the mousetrap arrived, the Customs Declaration Form read, "Mousetrap: educational aid-to teach the mice a lesson".

Two bikers were riding down a road on a Harley Davidson motorcycle. The driver's leather jacket wouldn't stay closed because the zipper had broken, so he pulled over. "Just put your jacket on backwards", his buddy suggested.

Then they zoomed off down the road until they hit a curve at high sped and crashed. A farmer found them and called the police.

"Is either of them showing any sign of life ?, asked the officer.

"Well, the first one was", replied the farmer, "until I turned his head around the right way".

What's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling ?

An amateur electrician.

A police officer was interviewing a young recruit. "If you're driving on a lonely road at night", the officer asked," and you're being chased by a gang of criminals going 60 kmph, what would you do ?"

The applicant replied, "Seventy !".

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male priest siding against the female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it". A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder. "See", said the woman. "It's a sign from above". The three clergy disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

"Dear Lord", the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign". This time. a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See ! I told you I was right", the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.

"Help me, Lord", the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGHHHTTT !"

The woman turned to the three priest and asked, "Well ?"

"So okay", they said. "Now it three against two".

Overhead between two movie-goers:

"I don't like the modern movies. I prefer the ones from 20 or 30 years ago"

"Why ?"

"Two reasons. First, the love scenes in old movies were always between a man and a woman. And second, they didn't have to take their clothes off before you knew which was which".

"Doctors", Esther begs the psychiatrist, "you've got to help my husband. He think he's a race horse. He wants to live in a stable, he walks on all fours-he even eats hay".

"I'm sure I can cure him", the shrink replies, "but it will take a long time and be very costly".

"Oh, money's no object", Esther says. "He's already won two races".

Some new students were being briefed on university rules.

"The female halls of residence are out-of-bounds to male students as are the male halls to female students, "the dean informed them. "Anyone caught breaking the rule will be fined $10 for their first offence, $25 for their second and $60 for their third. Any questions ?".

"Yes", replied one student. "How much for a season pass ?".

George got home one night and heard a ghostly voice: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and got to Vegas". He ignored the voice, but the next evening it happened again, telling him to quit his job, sell his house, take his money and go to Vegas. He heard the voice every night for a month. Finally George did as the voice instructed.

When he got off the plane, the voice said, "Go to Harrah's, to the roulette table". when he got there, the voice said, "Put all your money on number 17". George obeyed. The croupier wished him luck and spun the wheel. The ball landed on number 21. The ghostly voice said, "Damn ! ".

A husband was teaching his wife to drive: "To avoid any problems", he told her, "you must watch for signs and signals, especially at traffic lights. When the light turns green, accelerate, when it turns red, stop; and when I turns white please slow down !".

Two nouveau rich women competing with each other and one of them boasted, "My husband bought to Napoleon and Josephine".

"Oh !", exclaimed the other with disdain. "You buy second hand furniture ?".

"Do you think that computers will replace newspapers ?", a man asked his friend.

"It's out of the question", his friend replied. "You can't swat a fly with a computer".

Vacationing in Arizona, a group of British tourist spots a cowboy lying by the side of the road with his ear to the ground. "What's going on ?", they ask.

"Two horses-one grey, one chestnut-are pulling a wagon caring two men", the cowboy says. "One man is wearing a red shirt , the other a black shirt. They're heading east".

"Wow", says one of the tourist. "You can tell that just by listening to the ground?".

"No !", replies the cowboy. "They just ran over me".

After robbing a jewellery store, the thieves rush out knocking over a drunk who falls flat on his face. At that moment the police arrive at the scene and thinking he's one of the criminals, they arrest him off.

"Where's the jewellery ?", they bellow at him in the cross-examination room. The drunk man hasn't the faintest idea what they're talking about.

They take him to the bathroom, thrust his head into a tub full of water, then after a few seconds shout again: "Confess, you swine ! Where is it ?".

The drunk manages to utter a few words: "How the hell do I know ! Get a scuba diver. I can't see a darn thing down there".

Q: What do you call an over weight alien?

A: An extra-cholestrol

There was a political leader who was on the verge of being defeated in the elections. When he received a phone call saying that his wife had delivered a triplet, he exclaimed: "Oh ! No ! I demand a recounting".

A discreet and happily married lawyer was leaving his office when he saw a note on his car's windshield: "My name is Joana Silva, 444-1322. Call me to make a date for us to have a talk".

The lawyer tore up the note and went home, pleased that he'd resisted temptation. The next day he saw that the right side of his car was badly scratched.

On the advice of his ear, nose and throat specialist, an elderly man who had gone totally deaf bought one of the latest hearing-aids. Some time later, he went back to see the specialist.

"How's the apparatus working ?", the specialist enquires.

"It's marvellous !", the elderly man replies. "I can hear again, as if I was 20 years old".

"Your children must be happy !"

"In fact, I haven't told them yet. Ever since I've been able to hear their conversation without them realizing. I've already changed my will five times !".

How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blind-folded? You don't have to be god to get everyone's attention.

Clarence lived across the river from his neighbour, John, and the two feuded constantly. They never missed a chance to throw rocks and yell insults over the water. One day army engineers came to build a bridge. John elated and told his wife he was finally going to get his hands on Clarence. When the bridge was completed, John headed off, but returned a few minutes later.

"I never realized how big that guy is", John said sheepishly to his wife. "headed for the bridge, then saw the sign: 'Clarence-8 feet, 4 inches' ".

Jesus, Moses and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses whacked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his bal onto the green.

Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.

Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path and rolled a hill into a pond, coming rest on a lily pad.

A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog and flew over the green. the frog dropped the ball and it rolled into the cup for a whole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad".

At the airport Sylvia was anxiously waiting for her daughter's plane. After graduating from college, Ashley had been gone a year, adventuring in faraway places. Sylvia's heart raced when she saw her lovely child step out of the aircraft.

Then she noticed a tall man directly behind Ashley, dressed in feathers and beads, with exotic markings all over his body. Ashley greeted her mother and introduced the man as her husband.

Sylvia felt faint. She screamed. "I said you should marry a rich doctor ! A rich doctor ! ".

The manager of a mega store came to check on his new salesman. "How many customers did you serve today ?, the manager asked.

"One" replied the new guy.

"Only one ?", said the boss. "How much was the sale ?"

the salesman answered, "$58,334".

Flabbergasted the manager asked him to explain. "First I sold the man a fishhook", the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and reel. Then I asked him where he was planning to fish, and he said down the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat- he bought that six-metre motor boat. When he said his car might not be able to pull it, I took him to the auto department and sold him a big vehicle".

Amazed boss asked, "You sold that to a guy who came in for a fishhook ?".

"No", the new salesman replied.

"He actually came in for a bottle o aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, 'Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing".

A man lying in the street kept mumbling "XRL-1250, XRL-1250". A passerby saw him and believing him to be deranged, thought: "Poor fellow, I'll play along with him".

So he lay down beside him and began chanting, "XET-8040, XET-8040". Whereupon the first man shouted at him: "You idiot, now you've made me forget the registration number of the car that ran me over".

Strapped into electric chair, the serial killer gets the hicups just as the warden's about to pull the switch. "Do you have any last requests ?", the warden asks.

"(Hic) Yeah", the guy says, "(hic) could you do (hic) something to scare me?".

On the first day of class, a preschool teacher asked one of the girls in the room: "Please tell me your telephone number and address".

The girl gave her the correct answer immediately; so the teacher, astonished exclaimed: "Very good ! How did you learn that ?".

"My mum orders pizza everyday".

A confident fellow walked into a bar and sat next to a very attractive woman.

He caught her eye, then held his watch up to his ear. "What do you hear ?<she asked.

"It's a new high-tech watch", he replied. "It uses alpha waves to talk to me". "What's it telling you now ?", she asked smiling playfully". "It says you're in love with me". "It must be broken", she teased back, "since I don't even know you". "Well", he smiled, "it's probably just running an hour fast".

Q: When does a frog turn into a prince ?

A: When the princess has had five drinks.

A client at a restaurant said: "Waiter, I think I've had too much to drink. Please give me something that'll wake me up".

"Yes sir, I'll bring you your bill immediately".

A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his patients who was on vacation.

"Having a lovely time", it read. "Why ?".

A man stood in a line at the cinema to see Titanic. "I'm sorry, sir", said the usher as he approached the ticket counter. "Women and children first".

Hank comes home completely drunk at 3 a.m. and is met by his angry wife. "Where have you been ?", she demands.

"At this fabulous bar, the Golden Saloon", he tells her. "Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a gold floor-even golden bathroom fixtures". She doesn't believe him, so the next day she phones the Golden Saloon to talk to the bartender. "IS it true your bar has a huge golden doors ?", she asks.

"We sure do", he replies.

"And golden floors?"

"We certainly do", he says.

"What about golden bathroom fixtures ?", she asks.

There's a long silence then she hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Spike, I think I got a lead on the guy who wrecked your sexo-phone last night !"

To prove his love for her, he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest river and crossed the widest desert. She left him. He was never home.

A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys. When the babies were side by side, they always looked in opposite direction, so they were named Forward and Away. Years later the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return.

Months passed, and his wife finally spotted her husband plodding sadly up the beach. He explained to her that during their trip, Forward had looked an enormous fish. He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him again. "That's just terrible !", his wife said.

"It was terrible all right", said the fisherman. "But you should have seen the one that got Away !"

Not felling well, a woman visited the doctor. "You're a new patient", he said. "Have you been to see any other doctors ?".

The woman replied, "No, but I saw my pharmacist".

"So what idiotic advice did he give you ?< sneered the doctor.

"He told me to come and see you", the woman said.

Two caterpillars were watching a butterfly. One said to the other, "They'll never get me up in one of those hang-gliders".

"I sentence you to six months in custody...", proclaimed the judge to the local gangster convicted of armed robbery. The criminal swaggered and interrupted, bragging. "I can do that standing on my head".

"Without missing a beat, the judge added, "... and another 90 days to get back on you feet".

What did the ghost say to the other ghost ?
"Do you believe in people?"

A traveler entered the deepest part of the African jungle and suddenly found himself in cannibal country. He arrived at a village and noticed, to his surprise, that there was a restaurant. The manager handed him the menu, and the traveler read:

Garlic- fried missionary: 10 dollars Explorer aux fines herbs: 20 dollars Politician in his own gravy: 150 dollars

Curious, the traveler asked: "Why do politicians cost so much?"

"You don't know how much work it takes to clean them !", the manager replied.

"I bought you shampoo for dry hair", the wife tells her husband.

"You're telling me now?", the husband replies. "I've already wet it".

Two men working n a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off", said one.

"How are you going to do that ?"

"Watch", he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied, "I'm a light bulb".

"I think you need some time off", the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him. "Where do you think you're going ?", the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark", he said.

In order to entertain the in habitants of a kingdom, a man is captured and thrown into an arena. When the trumpets sound, an enormous lion walks in. When the poor sees his opponent, he desperately starts to run in circles while the lion merely watches him. When the man has run five laps, he decides to take rest and, seeing the chance, the lion walks towards him, The man doesn't budge, making everyone in the audience nervous. Suddenly, someone yells," Run, the lion's going to get you !"

"Don't worry !", says the man. "I'm five laps ahead ! ".

Tow shepherds were chatting: "How many sheep do you have ?",asks one.

"I don't know".

"What do you mean, you don't know ?"

"Every time I start counting them I fall asleep".

Telegram: "Missed the train. Will leave tomorrow same time".

Reply: "Don't leave some time. Will miss it again".

A baby tortoise has a very hard time climbing a tree. When it reaches the top, it throws itself to the ground. Then it gets up, brushes off the dirt and painstakingly climbs back up. From the top it hurls itself into the air again, flapping its feet. It repeats the whole scenario again and again.

On a bough, a pair of dove look on. Says the male: "Darling, don't you think it's time we told him he's adopted".

In a large company, several employees were assigned to the job of answering the phone. While taking calls from inside the company, knowing the caller was a fellow-worker, they sometimes amused themselves by answering, "Gino's Pizzeria, good day !".

One day, one of the jokers received a stinging rebuke: "Do you know who I am?".

"No", said the young man.

"I'm your boss !"

"And do you know who I am?, quickly answered the employee.

"No".

"Excellent !", concluded the employee before hanging. up.

A desperate voice phones the police: "Help, come quickly! A cat has just entered my house!".

"A cat? Don't be afraid. There's no need to worry about a cat".

"Please ! It's an emergency !"

"To whom am I speaking?"

"It's the parrot !"

Getting the cold shoulder from his wife for weeks, the unhappy husband finally confronted her: "Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million".

"Don't be ridiculous", she replied. "I don't care who left it to you".

Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers", she says as she strolls by. The men are stunned. How does she know they're clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach.

The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a sting bikini passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning, Fathers".

"Just a minute, young lady", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

"Don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn from the convent".

A detective is rendering accounts with a client, "As per instructions, I've been following your husband since last night. First he bought gifts, then he went to a restaurant, after that he showed up at a bar, later on at a disco and, finally, at a hotel."

"That creep ! What do you think he was in all those places?"

"I'm not sure, ma'am, but I think he was following you !".

While making rounds, a doctor shows an X ray to a group of interns, "As you can she", she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this ?".

"Well", ponders the intern, "I suppose I'd limp too".

A young man who was a avid golfer had a few hours to spare. He figured that if he played quickly, he could squeeze in nine holes before heading home. Just as he was about to tee-off, an elderly gentleman asked if he could accompany him as he, too, was playing alone. The young man agreed.

When they finally reached the ninth fairway, the young man had a tough shot-there was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. He was considering how to hit the shot, when the other man said, "When I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree".

"Accepting the challenge, the younger man swung hard and hit the ball smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded on the ground not far from where it originally lay.

"Of course", the elderly man continued, "When I was your age, the pine tree was only a metre tall".

Parking problems keep getting worse. The other day I saw a truck hook up a car that was parked in a tow-away zone. There was some guy in another car sitting there waiting to pull into the space.

A man walks into a busy bar, does a somersault and lands on a bar stool. "How does do you do that?", asks the bartender.

"I work in the circus", answers the man.

"A few minutes later another man comes in does a double somersault and lands on a bar stool. Says the bartender: "I bet you work in the circus, too?".

"Yes", answers the man, "I work with him".

A little later another man comes in, does a triple somersault and lands on a bar stool.

"Do you work with them in the circus?", asks the bartender.

"No", answers the man, "I tripped over the doormat!"

Finishing their shopping, a couple discover that their brand-new car has been stolen. They file a report at the police station, and a detective drives them back to their car park to look for evidence.

To their amazement, the car has been returned and there's a note in that says, "I apologize for taking your car. My wife was having a baby and I had to hot wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's Shania Twain concert".

Their faith in humanity restored , the couple attends the concert. But when they return home, they find their house has been ransacked. On the bathroom mirror is another note: "I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Captain Jansen had been at sea for 40 years when he died. In all those years every time he arrived on the bridge he carried an old shoe box. Inside was a faded sheet of paper, but now nobody except the captain knew what was written on it. When he died the crew, full of curiosity, went to his cabin to see what the paper said. The mate reads the words out: "Left is port, right is starboard".

"Anyone who thinks he's stupid, stand up", said the teacher to his students. After a long silence the most intelligent student stood up. "Do you think you're stupid?", asked the teacher, surprised.

"No, Sir, but I couldn't bear the thought of you standing there all on your own".

George dies and goes to hell. He notices one sign that says, "Capitalist Hell", and another that says, "Socialist Hell". There's a long line of souls waiting for socialist hell, but no one waiting to get into capitalist hell. George asks the guard, "What do they do to you in socialist hell?".

"They boil you in oil, whip you and then put you on the rack", says the guard.

"And what do they do to you in capitalist hell?", George asks.

"Same thing", replies the guard.

"Then why is everybody in line for socialist hell?".

"Because in socialist hell", the guard explains, "they're always out of oil, whips and racks".

A man told the assistant in a stationary shop: "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow and I'd like to buy her a calligraphy set".

"Good choice, sir ", said the assistant. "A little surprise for her?"

"Yes", the customer replied. "She's expecting a sports car".

There was a man who was so slow that whenever he bought a carton of milk, he opened it right there in the supermarket because it said: "Open here".

A young man fell in love with a nurse who worked in a hospital under a very strict matron.

One evening he called at the hospital and ran into the matron, who asked him what he wanted.

"I'm here to see nurse Brown", he said. "I'm her brother".

"I'm delighted to meet you", said the matron. "I'm her mother".

When a young couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon, they, were shipwrecked on an island on which a cannibals lived.

But the inhabitants were very welcoming, and they found out the couple were newlyweds, they threw a party in their honour. During the celebrations they dutifully toasted the bride. then they barbecued the groom.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but he needs to give it a good twist.

Coming home from work a man finds toys and clothes strewn all over the house, piles of dishes in the kitchen and mess everywhere.

"What happened?", the man asked his wife.

"You know when you come home everyday and you ask me what I did all day?", replied his wife. "Well, today I didn't do it".

The Thomases went to their dentist. "No fancy stuff", said Mr. Thomas. "No anesthetic, just pull the tooth out and get it over with". "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you", said the dentist admiringly. "Now which tooth is it?".

Mr. Thomas turned to his wife and said," Show him the tooth, dear".

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelt chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his favorites, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

"Don't touch!", she commanded. "They're for the funeral".

One morning Gloria's neighbour noticed that she had made several trips out to her mailbox in the garden, even though the mail usually comes in the late afternoon.

"When Gloria healed for her mail box yet again, the neighbour asked, "Expecting a special delivery?"

"No", Gloria replied. "My computer keeps telling me I've got mail".

A Skinflint was looking for a gift for a friend and spotted a broken vase marked down to almost nothing, so he snapped it up. Arranging for it to be delivered, he hoped his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

A few days later the man received a note from his friend. "Thanks for the vase", it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately".

When he gets home, a man finds his pregnant wife in labour, so he phones the hospital. "My wife is having contraction and they're only two minutes apart, what should I do?," he asks frantically.

"Is this her first child?, asks the doctor.

"No!", the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Three rich men sent their elderly mother some gifts on her birthday. The first son bought her a huge house, the second a Mercedes with a driver and the third, a unique and very expensive parrot that could recite the entire bible. After the mother received her gifts, she sent her sons thank-you letters.

"Thank you for your house", she wrote to her first boy, "but it's so big that I have to spend all day cleaning it". "Thanks for the Mercedes", she said to her second, "but I'm too old to travel and so rarely use it". "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes", she praised her third son. "The chicken was delicious".

"Goon morning", said the goat as he walked into florist and stared munching on the flowers.

"Can I help", asked the angry assistant.

"No thanks", said the goat. "I'm just browsing".

On vacation a guy gets lost and walks onto a local village pub to ask the quickest way back to town.

"Are you walking or driving?", enquires the barman.

"Driving", answered the man.

"Well", said the landlord, "that's the quickest way".

Saint Peter was standing at the gate of Heaven and had to go to the bathroom> He asks Jesus to stand for him a few minutes. Not very willingly, Jesus takes his place at the desk where people are waiting to get in. An elderly man appears and Jesus asks, "Grandpa, what did you do back on Earth?"

"Well said the old man, "I was a carpenter, had a long beard, white hair, and was very poor. I once had a son born of a miracle, who became very famous and everybody loved him, especially children".

Moved, Jesus looks at him crying and says: "Papa!"

The old man looks at him in surprise and, teary-eyed, answers: "Pinocchio!".

"So your dog obeys right?"

"Of course. When I say 'are you coming or not?", sometimes he comes and sometimes he doesn't".

A man goes to the doctor.

"I've just bought a new bed and I just can't sleep in it", complained the man.

"Try running 10 kilometers a day for w eek", advised the doctor and sent the man away.

Seven days later the man phones the doctor to report back. "I ran 10 kilometers every day this week", he tells him.

"Excellent", says the doctor. "And have you been able to sleep?"

"How would I know?", says the man. "I'm seventy kilometers from home".

"Somebody actually complimented my driving today", said a man to his friend. "I found a note on my windshield that read: 'Parking Fine' ".

Torrential rains hit a city and flood waters were two meters high. Mrs. Smith was sitting on her roof with her neighbour Mrs. Jones, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Jones spied a lone baseball cap floating near the house. The cap seemed to be moving back and forth but steadily. "Do you see that baseball cap?", she asked Mrs. Smith.

"Oh, yes that's my husband", Mrs. Smith replied. "I told him he was going to cut the grass today come hell or high water"

I don't get any respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two-to-on I won't make it.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My father took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.

I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me and said, "Shhhh".

A ship collides with an iceberg and begins to capsize in a fog so dense that visibility in no more than a few meters.

" How far is the nearest land?", a passenger asks the captain.

"Three kilometers".

"We're saved then!", exclaims the passenger, "And which direction is it?"

"Downwards", replies the captain laconically.

Tatiana goes to a psychic to contact her dear departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids flutter, her hands float the table and she begins moaning. Soon a voice emanates from the psychic saying, "Grand-daughter, are you there?".

Wide eyed Tatiana responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?".

"It's really, really you, Grandmother?", Tatiana repeats.

"Yes. my dear, it's really me".

Tatiana looks puzzled, "You're sure?".

"Yes, I'm sure its me". Tatiana pauses.

"Grandmother, I have just one question ".

"Anything my child".

"When did you learn to speak English?'

A powerful and fashionable car is heading down the highway at over 100 kilometers an hour, when the driver glances in the rearview mirror and notices an old jalopy trailing him at equal speed. In an attempt to humiliate the tagtail, the driver steps the accelerator and reaches 110 kilometers an hour, but the follower maintains the pace. Finally the driver stops and gets out of the car to congratulate the other driver.

"Your car may be old, but it runs very well!"

"thank you sir. Now, if you don't mind, could you help me unhook the fenders?"

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punchy, 20 minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished".

Jenkins was baffled. "I write you a 20-minute speech", he replied.

"I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for".

Joe and Gary were rich but evil brothers who attended the same church. When Gary died, Joe handed the pastor a large cheque to pay for a fancy new building. "I have only one condition", Joe growled. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint".

The pastor agreed and deposited the cheque. At the funeral, he went to the pulpit and declared, "Gary was an evil man who cheated on his wife and betrayed his friends. But compared to Joe, Gary was a saint".

A salesman arrives for a meeting with the manager of a do-it-yourself store.

"Would you like to make a seat while you're waiting?", asks the receptionist.

The army medical officer was testing a base's water supply. "What precaution do you take against infection?", he asked the sergeant in-charge. "We first boil the water, sir". said the sergeant.

"Good. Then?"

"We filter it".

"Excellent. Then?"

"Then to be safe, we drink beer".

For their first anniversary, a man buys his young wife a cell phone. She is thrilled and listens eagerly as he explains all its features. The next day she is out shopping when the phone rings.

"Hi, darling", her husband says. "How do you like your new phone?"

"Oh, I just love it!", she gushes. "It's so cute and small and your voice sounds so clear. But there's I thing I don't understand".

"What's that?"

"How did you know I was at the shopping mall?"

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read", he declared. "Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, howl in pain and anger".

He now lives happily ever after writing error messages for Microsoft.

A flight attendant approached a gentleman who was protesting rather loudly. "I want to complain about this airline", he grumbled. "Every time I fly I get the same seat. I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds, so I can't sleep".

"Come on, Captain", the flight attendant replied. "Just shut up and land the plane".

a surgeon, a psychiatrist and an internist went duck shooting. A duck flew over and the internist aimed, but didn't fire.

"Why don't you shoot?", asked the surgeon, surprised.

"Are you certain it was a duck", answered the internist. "It could have been another bird".

"another duck flew over. The psychiatrist aimed, but he didn't fire, either.

"Why now?", asked the surgeon.

"Does the duck actually know it's a duck?", asked the psychiatrist.

Another duck flew over. The surgeon snatched the gun out of the psychiatrist's hands and fired. "Are you sure it was a duck?, asked the internist and the psychiatrist.

"We'll find that out at the autospy", the surgeon answered.

Clancy went into a pub and ordered a beer. He drank half then threw the rest at the bartender. Clancy apologized, explaining it was a compulsion he'd had for years that embarrassed him terribly. The barkeeper told him to see a psychiatrist and warned him not to come back until he had done so.

A few months later, Clancy again entered the bar and ordered the brew. He drank half and threw the rest all over the bartender.

"I told you not to come back here until you'd a shrink about your compulsion!", the bartender yelled.

"I have been seeing one", replied Clancy indignantly.

"Well, it hasn't done any good", roared the dripping bartender.

"Yes, it has", said Clancy. "I'm not embarrassed about it anymore".

"I know we missed the plane", a woman tells her husband at the airport. "But it was just a matter of seconds, dear. And if you had not kept hurrying me all the time we would have to wait so long for the next flight !"

Two widows are curious about the new resident: a quiet nice-looking gentleman. One of the woman says to the other, "Go find out a little about him. He looks so unhappy". Later the woman walks up to the newcomer at the pool and asks why he looks so sad.

"I just spent 20 years in prison", the man replies.

"What for?", asks the woman.

"For strangling my third wife".

"Oh, dear", she says. "What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her".

"And your first?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a ten-storey building".

"The woman then looks over to her friend and calls out, "Ya-hoo! I've got good news. He's single".

Taxing down the tarmac, the plane abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting over an hour, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened. " The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", said the attendant. "It took us an hour to find another pilot".

Question: What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?

Answer: They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.

Customers in a small town bar were bragging about how much beer they could drink. Said one: "I bet none of you can drink a whole bucketful". Silence fell. He looked around the bar and said triumphantly, " I've got 100 dollars for anybody who can!".

"Let's see the colour of your money", said a little fat man. Trying to discourage him, the challenger said," but if you don't make it, you give me 100 dollars". The fat man hesitated. "Wait", he said and disappeared out of the back of the bar. A few minutes later he reappeared and said, "Okay, I'll take the bet". He started to drink and before long the bucket was empty. He pocketed his 100 dollars.

"But", asked his challenger, "what did you do when you went out?"

"I thought I'd try it out first with a bucket of water", came the reply.

A surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient. "Why are you wearing rubber gloves?", asked the patient drowsily.

The surgeon smiled. "Don't want to leave any fingerprints".

Eve, in the garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem". And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?".

"I know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples".

"Well, in that case", replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you".

"What's a man?"

" He's a flawed creature with tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals and not bad in the sack".

"Sounds great!", replied eve.

"There's one condition", added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first".

Making his first night flight, a young pilot tried to disguise his nervousness by being light hearted with the air traffic controller. As the pilot approached the airport he reported in with the words: "Hi there, guess who?" At which the air traffic controller switched off the runway lights and replied, "Hi there, guess where?".

Towards the end of a long trial the judge said to the defendant: " You might as well admit to the charge. Several witness saw you breaking into the house on the evening in question".

"That's not true, your honour", said the defendant. " I have witness who will swear there were no witnesses".

A woman was walking in the park when a savage dog rushed towards her. It's owner did nothing to intervene. "Why don't you call the dog off?", shouted the terrified woman. "I can't", replied the man. "His name is Caesar".

Some tortoises were playing cards and ran out of beer, so they sent one of their group to the store. After waiting two days they became impatient, "Tommy really is getting slow!", one complained. "If you're going to talk about me", warned a voice from behind the door, " I won't go!"

A young blonde wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the prices. "I'll just catch my own alligator", she told one shopkeeper, "so I can get a pair of shoes for free". She stomped out of the store and headed for a swamp. Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a swamp, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she hauled the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up. "Oh, no!", the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before the hit the ground. The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the steps, goes to a shop, buys snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends. "My watch is 30 minutes slow".

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?", asked the King. "Sire", replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west". "What?", shrieked the King. "I don't have any enemies to the west". "Oh", said the knight, "Well, now you do".

The Mayor of a big city invited his counterpart of another municipality to his home for dinner. The visitor was very impressed with his host's affluent lifestyle and asked him how he managed to live so well. "See that bridge?", the first mayor said, pointing to a distant structure. " I skimmed five percent".

The visiting mayor went home and six months later invited the first mayor to his new mansion. The first mayor was astounded and asked his friend the secret to his sudden wealth. "See that bridge?", the second mayor said, gesturing out of the window. "What bridge?", asked the visitor. "one hundred percent".

Dentist: "Try to relax I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes".

Patient: "How much will it cost?"

Dentist: "It'll be $100".

Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well, if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly".

A man decided to try sniffing curry powder to clear his blocked sinuses, but he collapsed and was rushed to hospital. Doctors announced he was in a "korma".

A private doctor went on holiday leaving his son-a newly qualified doctor-in charge of his practice.

"How did it go?", he asked his son when he returned.

"You know Mr. Jones and Mrs. Smith?", he began his son enthusiastically.

"Well, you've been treating them for years, but I cured them both in a week!".

"Really?", responded his father. "And who do you think was paying for your education al these years?".

Two business partners went fishing in a rowing boat. A storm blew up, and the boat capsized. One of the men could swim, but the other couldn't. "Can you float alone?", called the swimmer to his partner. "I am drowning and you want to talk business!" he gasped.

A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "typhoid ! Tetanus ! Measles !" . She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?" . The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here".

Three friends arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. As part of their orientation to heaven, St. Peter asks what kind of remarks they would most like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals.

"I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a good family man", said the first.

"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that, during my career as a school teacher, I made a difference in many lives", chimed in the second fellow.

"Those both sound terrific", replied the third, "but I'd like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!' "

A T.V. weather forecaster was sacked for his consistently inaccurate predictions. He told reporters he was surprised to be leaving under a cloud.

"What on earth are you doing?" said a passerby to a drunkard lying on a zebra crossing. "I'll get a tune out this piano if it kills me!" he replied.

A woman trained her parrot to give instructions to the salesmen that called at her house. One day the coalman came to make a delivery. "Ten sacks please", said the parrot. "You're a clever bird being able to talk", said the coalman as he finished the delivery. "Yes", replied the parrot. "And I can count too. Bring the other sack."

A burglar breaks into a house and doesn't want to use his flashlight because the people upstairs are asleep and he doesn't want to wake them. As he's stumbling around in the dark, he hears a voice in the next room call out, "I can see you. Jesus can see you too." The burglar is startled and looks around, but he can't find the source of the voice. As he enters the other room, the voice calls out again. "I can see you. Jesus can see you too." Finally deciding to take the chance he pulls out his flashlight and shines it around the room. Ass it falls on a birdcage in the corner, the parrot inside says again, "I can see you. Jesus can see you too." "What can you do?" the burglar sneers. "Your just a dumb parrot." "Yeah," says the parrot, "but Jesus is the Doberman."

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That is a military secret. If I told you I would have to kill you

In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is indeed going to be very cold."
So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

On a BA flight Balwinder Singh by chance go a seat next to Elizabeth Taylor. On seeing the man next to her, she said, "Good day, dearie, my name's Elizabeth, 'Liz to you, darling", to which a flattered Balwinder replies, "hi, my name is Balwinder, Balls to you."

There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his
drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a
big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all
down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver
says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy
you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man
crying. "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of
my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my
office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave
the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return
home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet
and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives
away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife
in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to
this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end
to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows
his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense." "Hey Joe," he yells out, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an
earring, "says Joe sheepishly.
"No, really," probes Morris, "How
long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

The U.N. conducted a survey all around the world, the
question being:
Please give us your opinion about
the food shortage in the rest of the world?
However, the survey was not successful due to the
foll. reasons:

-The Africans didn't know what 'food' meant.

-The West Europeans didn't know what 'shortage' meant.

-The East Europeans (formerly communist) didn't know
what 'opinion' meant.

-The South Americans didn't know what 'please' meant.

-The Americans didn't know what 'rest of the world'
meant.