E-Mail To
The Wrong Wife
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle
man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to
meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip
to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time
together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the
boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a
later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the
airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no
good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami
Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as
uncomfortably hot as Seattle\'s was cold. The desk clerk gave him
a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly
wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his
wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the
e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly
preacher\'s wife whose even older husband had died only the day
before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one
look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the
floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this
message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You\'re going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here!!!
A
dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
\"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none
of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water.
\"However there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?\"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
\"Wedding cake!\"
Two
fishermen in New Orleans, named Frankie and Scottie, and you need
to know their names to follow along, were coming up an inlet in
their motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish pass
them by. Seeing as how their luck had been pretty bad that day,
Frankie asked the fisherman in the other boat, whose name is not
pertinent to the story, what his secret was. He said, "Jes
go out to sea until the water gets fresh. Stop there and drop yer
line." Excited, Frankie and Scottie fired up the motor to
their boat and headed out to sea. When they got a little ways
out, Frankie told Scottie to fill up a bucket and taste the
water. Scottie complied and said, "It's still salty
Frankie!" Frankie went further out into the sea and told
Scottie to taste the water again. Scottie said the same thing,
"It's still salty Frankie!"
This went on for hours. Finally it was starting to get dark, and
they were in the middle of nowhere, when Frankie told Scottie to
taste the water one last time. Scottie replied, with a big toothy
grin, "But Frankie, there's no more water in the
bucket!"
A
preacher, named Reverend Rufus T. Lobbifeld, was making his
rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a
little boy trying to sell a lawnmower. The boy's name was either
Christopher or Ronald, it really doesn't matter to what comes
next though."How much do you want for the mower?" asked
the preacher. "I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a
bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of
consideration, the preacher, who was very handsome, just so you
know although again, that's probably not relevant, asked,
"Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The boy said
happily, "You got a deal, Mr. Preacher, yes, you got
yourself a deal!" The preacher took the mower and tried to
start it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response
from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said,
"I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said,
"That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it
started." The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I
can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't
know if I even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked
at him with a big toothy grin and said, "Just keep pulling
on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
There was
this old lady and old man. The poor man, whose name was Mr.
Thomas, first name not important, couldn't hear very well, so he
depended on his wife to interpret for him. His wife's name was
McGill, but everyone knew her as Nancy.
One day, while they were at the doctor's office, the nurse asked
the man to take off his shirt. He asked his wife, "Huh, what
did she say?" His wife repeated, "They want your
shirt!" Then the nurse said, "You need to remove your
pants." (I believe for a medical examination rather than for
something sexy, but I guess it doesn't matter). The old guy asked
his wife again, "Huh, what did she say?" His wife
repeated, "They want your pants!"
Then the nurse said, "Excuse me sir, but we need a stool
sample and a urine sample." Again he asked his wife,
"Huh, what did she say?" His wife said, with a big
toothy grin, "Honey, They want your underwear!"
A little
boy, named Freddie, wanted $100 very badly so his mother, whose
name was Rita, told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two
weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should
write God a letter requesting the $100. When the post office
received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided
to send it to the President of the United States, who is Bill
Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that
he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The
little boy, who walked around with a big toothy grin most of the
time, was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you
letter to God, which read as follows;
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you
had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving
crooks deducted $95
A little
boy, named Lucas, was visiting his grandmother, named
"Grandma Tildy," and the young boy asked his
grandmother, "Grandma Tildy, how old are you"? She
replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A
few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another
question, "how much do you weigh"? The grandmother
replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"!
The following week when the little boy went back to school he
told his friends, Sammy, Joey and Cassie, about the coversation
he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an
answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on
her driver's license, because all the information would be there.
The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he
told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The
grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weigh
130lb., and you are 65 years old".
Then the little boy, in a bashful way, but still with a big
toothy grin, whispered to his grandmother, "I also know you
got an F in Sex"
An old
man, named Mr. Felix Ocanny, goes into the Social Security Office
and fills out an application. The lady at the desk, (I don't know
her name, so I will call her "Ms. Clerk"), says:
"you need to show us your birth certificate, Mr. Ocanny, so
we know you are old enough to get Social Security benefits."
Well, Mr. Ocanny's birth certificate had been burned up in a
fire, so he starts wailing like a big old baby about how now he
won't get benefits. But Ms. Clerk was nice so she said to the old
fool, "Look, maybe there's some other way that you can prove
to me that you are old enough to qualify for Social
Security."
Well, Mr. Ocanny stopped his blubbering for a minute and then his
face lit up and he opened his shirt and showed Ms. Clerk the
jungle of grey hair he had on his chest. Ms. Clerk takes a close
look and says: "judging from the greyness of that chest
hair, you are definitely old enough to get Social Security
benefits." So, she gives Mr. O'Canny his check and he goes
out for a root beer and some crackers to celebrate. Then he heads
home to see his wife, who was named Mrs. Ocanny.
When Mr. Ocanny got home, he told his wife all that had happened
and hands over his check to her. At that point, Mrs. Ocanny said
to her old husband, with a big toothy grin, "Well get back
down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get
disability!"
One night,
very late at night, around 2:30 a.m. (which I understand is
technically "the morning," but it was still dark out so
bear with me), a burglar was in a dark house. Because he was a
criminal, he would not reveal his name, so I will sometimes refer
to him only as "Mr. X."
Anyway, Mr. X was sneaking through the house robbing it at a
fairly good clip until he came to the family room. When he picked
up the T.V. to steal it, a voice from out of the darkness said,
"Jesus is watching you." The burglar quickly dropped
the T.V., all discombobulated-like, and whirled around his
flashlight looking for someone without any luck. So he went back
to his looting. After picking up the VCR, however, he heard the
voice say once again "Jesus is watching you."
At this point, the burglar (a.k.a. Mr. X) dropped the VCR and
demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the
room said, "Me, Clarence!" At that point, the burglar
spotted a parrot with his flashlight and said "Did you say
that?" Clarence said, "yes." The burglar then
asked, "What kind of silly moron would name a parrot
Clarence?" To which Clarence replied, with a big toothy
grin, "The same guy who named the hungry Rottweiller
standing behind you Jesus!"
A young
man, named Ronald, comes into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, is it hereditary to lose your memory?"
"No," the doctor replies, "Why?"
"Well," the man says, "both of my parents are
losing their memories. For example, one day my mother wanted some
Ice Cream, so she started to go out to get some. But my father,
whose name I'm not going to tell you, stopped her, telling her
that he would get it for her. 'Alright,' she said, 'I'll write it
down'. 'No', he says, 'just tell me, I won't forget'. 'Okay', she
says, 'I want some vanilla ice cream in a cone'. 'Okay', he says,
"I'll be back in 30 minutes."
The father leaves, comes back half an hour later, and gives his
wife, whose name is Dorothy, a bag. "What!" she screams
in horror, with a big toothy snarl. "This is a cheeseburger,
you idiot! I wanted a hamburger!"
A priest,
named Father Bob, decides one Tuesday to visit one of his elderly
parishoners, the 87-year old, Mrs. Cribable. He rings the door
bell and Mrs. Cribable appears.
"Good Day Mrs. Cribable. I just thought I would drop by and
see how your are doing" The woman says, "Oh just fine
Father, come on in and we'll have some tea."
While sitting at the coffee table, (even though the old lady had
offered him tea, but it really doesn't matter) the priest notices
a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?",
the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like," replied the
kindly Mrs. Cribable.
After a few hours the priest looks at his watch, which was a
Timex brand, and alarmed at how long he has been visting says to
Mrs. Cribable, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be
going. Oh but dear me I have eaten all your almonds. I'll have to
replace them next time I visit."
To which Mrs. Cribable replied, with a big toothless grin,
"Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth,
it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them!"
A rather
shapely, and blonde, young lady, whose name was Joan, last name
not important, spent almost all of her vacation in Palm Beach
sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. I don't know the name of the
hotel, but it wasn't a Motel 6, that's for sure.
Anyway, she wore a modest, two-piece bathing suit the first day
but, on the second day of her vacation, she decided that no one
could see her way up there, and she slipped out of her suit to
try to get a very sexy overall tan.
She'd hardly begun her sunbathing session when she heard someone
running up the stairs to the roof of the hotel. She was lying on
her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant
manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs,
like a big crybaby hotel worker. The assistant manager's name was
Mr. Robert, which he probably pronounced in a fancy French way by
not pronouncing the last letter in "Robert."
Mr. Robert said, "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on
the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing
suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather
calmly. "No one can see me way up here on the top of the
roof."
"Not exactly," said Mr. Robert, with a big toothy grin.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."
A little
boy sees that his best friend at school has got a new watch.
"Where did you get that from?", he asks. "It's not
your birthday or Christmas, or anything"
His friend replies "I just asked my dad for one, and he got
it for me"
So the little boy thinks that he will ask his dad for one that
evening.
When he gets home, his father and mother are in the bedroom,
performing.
He goes into the bedroom.
His father sees him, and says "What do you want?"
The boy replies "I want a watch"
"OK" says his father "Just sit in that chair in
the corner, and keep quiet"
Six of the
seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see
the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We
finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out
in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey
and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to
ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in
Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the
rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey
continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in
Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must
be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the
last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your
question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh,
are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't
think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start
laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey
screwed a penguin!"
A cabbie
picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he
replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're
as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2 you must be Catholic.
"The cab driver gets very excited and says, "Yes, I am
single and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way
to a Halloween party."
Happy Halloween!
A man from
town after looking for job and not finding, decided to go in the
countryside and to create his own farm.The first day he went to
the shop and bought 200 baby-chikens. The next day he went again
to the shop and asked for 250 baby-chikens. And the third day he
went to the shop and asked for 500 baby-chikens, the shopkeeper
surprised asked : "You are doing well with your small
business ? "
"No," he answered "nothing is going good
yet."
"Why ?, the shopkeeper asked .
" It might be because I am planting them too far appart !
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